‘Jackass Judges’ on Reality TV Shows

Since American Idol there seems to be a spot on every judging table for “The Asshat” and while I’ve become accustomed to it, I have never been a fan of it.  There is a big difference from “The Wise, Veteran Judge” that speaks his mind to “The Complete Dick” who just spouts off hate because they have absolutely nothing to look forward to when they get home.  Just because you have a snappy line to throw out to the camera and completely destroy some one’s self-esteem does not make you a better person, that makes you quite a sad representation of the human race. 

You are being paid to mouth off for some reason, and these people had to call in sick at best to audition or partake in this show’s recording and you belittle them to the enjoyment of the anonymous viewers at home.  I can’t even watch some shows because I can see the train wreck coming from a mile away and I change the channel quickly with a cringe on my face.  The only time I enjoy watching the now traditional Jackass Judge twist the knife is when a contestant comes up with a massive ego and gets a swift kick to the ass and shoved out the door kicking and screaming.  The first contestant voted off of True Beauty this season was a great example of enjoying the loud person get booted off quickly.

Case in point in reguards to judges this evening:  “Chopped.”  Seen the show a bit, decent time waster until Alton comes on, but today it really pissed me the hell off.  The premise of the show is that it starts with four chefs and based on how they cook one gets “chopped” every round.  The kicker is, like how Iron Chef should have been from the beginning, the contestants have no idea what they are cooking until the timer starts and they have to think on their feet on what they cook, truly coming down to skill and training…minus some luck and Judge’s tastes.

At the final round on today’s show, rerun or otherwise, the two contestants did their thang’ and presented to the Judges.  One guy had no idea what to do, and just completely winged it, all the while talking to himself due to stress.  When he was talking to the Judges they gave him pretty nice compliments which completely surprised him.  When they were done and his time was over he thanked them for saying the nice things as he expected it to be terrible.  And that’s when the Jackass Judge capitalized on the moment and clawed her way into the camera’s gaze and let loose one of the most bitchy lines I have ever heard.

“Don’t you think it’s a little early to be thanking us?” 

No hint of a joke.  No smile.  (Must have been a heavy flow day) The only thing she had was a disgusted look on her face that all the movies show Cheerleaders giving to the ’stupid’ nerd that asks them out.

How much of a raging BITCH can you possibly be? 

Honestly. 

He was going out of his way thanking YOU for complimenting his meal in astonishment.  If you weren’t such a douche you could have seen that.  How arrogant do you have to be, to be the Jackass Judge?  Do they pump you up with hubris-laced steroids so you can rage out on queue?

To quote the great Stewie of Family Guy:

“She needs to get laid, big time.”

The guy ended up winning in the end anyway, which made me feel bad for the other contestant more than feel smug towards The Jackass.  The second guy probably thought he was going to win because of that chick, and now the rug got pulled out from under him.  Way to mess up BOTH people with that comment.

Bah.  I shouldn’t let people like that get to me.

Revisiting “Nightmare Revisited”

When I first heard some of these cover versions I had a gut reaction of dislike.  It could have been from being accustomed to the originals, or something else.  Only way to know for sure is to let time pass a bit, which I did.  What do I feel about this album, after letting myself stew on it for awhile?

First off, Sparklehorse’s (ugh) ‘rendition’ of Jack’s Obsession is still the worst noise I have ever heard in my life.

Secondly, all the instrumentals still rock.  The vocals?  Ah, that’s where the rub lies.  My playlist of songs on this album does NOT include:

2.  Opening- intro by Elfman.  Not really a song anyway, but mostly took it out because it slowed down the flow of songs.

 7.  Town Meeting Song-  This one is terrible.  The original version is 2:56 long.  This version is 8:55.  WTF.  How anyone could think a good revamp of an original is to triple it’s length is beyond me.  By the time they even start to sing it’s already been a minute and eighteen seconds.  That’s almost half the originals total length!  It’s so ungodly slow, I feel like Jack: “And as hard as I try, I can’t seem to describe, like a most improbable dream.”  Luckily I’m not singing it the way it is in this version, or that simple remark would have taken me sixteen soul-numbing seconds.  This one heartily earned it’s ‘Shall never be played again’  status.

 9.  Jack’s Obsession – This…this thing…this (for lack of a better word) ‘version’ is so terribly bad it could have meme’s attached to it for years.  Ytmnd.com, prank calls, gag gifts, annoying cell-phone-songs-as-messages, vanilla torture.  You name it, this unholy audio clip can do it.  In fact, this could very easily be the evolution of Rick Rolls.  Imagine the surprise of clicking on a youtube video only to be pelted with this steaming pile.  You were doing fine and dandy wasting time at work then *BAM!* 

Speakers crit you for Your Sanity! 

Next thing you know, your face is permanently stretched out like victims in The Ring.  Fortunately, I don’t even think a deaf person could stomach making a “Spark Roll”, knowing the chaos and agony it would cause on the masses.

16.  Poor Jack- It didn’t jive with me.  The vocals aren’t exactly emo, they aren’t exactly whiny…but, I just don’t like ‘em.  A throaty monotone does not a song make.  Elfman had emotion, great music, the whole package.  This one just seems…lacking?

19.  Closing- Again it kills the flow…and I prefer Picard’s version ^_^

Originally This is Halloween, Jack’s Lament, and What’s This? were also on that list, but have sense forged their way onto my playlist.  Reasons being:

This is Halloween is just a rehash of his version from years ago.  Not that it’s bad, it’s quite good, but it’s the same.  How is this “Revisiting” if it’s just a copy/paste?  Lost points for repeated use, but still a good song so it passed.

What’s This? almost didn’t make it due to the ever-increasing ‘idea’ of stretching out a song longer than it has to be done.  All the new versions I like on this CD are either the same speed or faster than their original, this being the only slower one I still listen to.  The only reason I still play to this one is that I really like her voice and style, I  just wish it was sung at a more brisk pace.

Jack’s Lament was originally in the same boat as Poor Jack, but it grew on me.  I was on the fence with this song for awhile as I like the band, but hearing their version I thought they could have done more with it.  I’m not sure if I have warmed up to the song, or simply got used to it.  Either way it’s on my playlist and I think it’s a good addition.

To summarise all the negative changes on this album I disliked:

• Slowing down these classics does not make you a revolutionary.  It makes for a bad song.
• Monotone is not the desired placement for your voice when singing emotional (happy, sad, etc) songs.
• When making a song your own, try pushing the envelope a little, while avoiding the two previous ‘ideas’.

All in all, great CD with more good surprises than bad.  I likey.

Nightmare Repulsion (Revisited)

I was going to type something up eventually but this just…wow.  Very few things surprise me, but this cover CD certainly has for all the wrong reasons.

I don’t have the time to cut the garbage into manageable amounts, so I’ll just post a link to the worst thing I have ever heard in my life and call it a day:

 

In case you are at work so you can’t access it, or simply can’t take the pressure of having one of your favorite cult classics destroyed; it sounds like a female version of Tiny Tim singing “Jack’s Obsession” in the style of William Shatner, and constantly out of breath.

Not all the artists were terrible though.   Amy Lee, Marilyn Manson, Korn, Rise Against, and several of the instrumentals were pretty nice.  But others induce a sort of hearing gag-reflex, almost akin to how your brain says “hot” when your finger gets too close to an open flame.  When your ears get too close to the lack-luster tracks your brain says “bad.”

A Somber Christmas

While I inexcusably glance at what I’m told is the news, I see average Joe’s fighting to get loans and survive credit and background checks, only to watch ‘our’ government throw money away to hog-ish companies that will give their echelon raises before the overall economy will ever see a cent, and I just shake my head when when no one seems to know where the money exactly went to.  Anyone else reminded of that scene in Armageddon when Bruce Willis is talking to Billy Bob about drilling on an asteroid?  Sounds more believable than what’s happening right now anyway.

Harry Stamper: What’s your contingency plan?
Truman: Contingency plan?
Harry Stamper: Your backup plan. You gotta have some kind of backup plan, right?
Truman: No, we don’t have a back up plan. This is it.
Harry Stamper: And this is the best that you c – that the-the government, the *U.S. government* can come up with? I mean, you-you’re NASA for cryin’ out loud, you put a man on the moon, you’re geniuses! You-you’re the guys that think this —- up! I’m sure you got a team of men sitting around somewhere right now just thinking —- up and somebody backing them up! You’re telling me you don’t have a backup plan, that these eight boy scouts right here, that is the world’s hope, that’s what you’re telling me?
Truman: Yeah.

Thank-you again, imdb.com.

So…millions of people need loans, go through the motions to try and get approved  and if they are very lucky (almost to the point of not even NEEDING the loan in the first place) they might get it for some thousands of dollars…but several companies that claim to have failed so terribly solely due to greed, are given BILLIONS of dollars and we don’t even know what they spent it on.  Well, other than bonuses to stock holders in order “to get them to do the jobs for which they are well paid in the first place.”  To break this down simply, these companies were paid billions of dollars to pay their high ranking officials on top of their usual millions, if not billions already…and when asked where the money actually goes they refuse to tell the public.  “The public”, ie their sole source of income outside of the most recent Wallstreet Welfare drama.

So, as I turn the ‘news’ off in disgust, I look around my messy area, (still have to finish a few Christmas gifts by-the-by) and think: 

I’m fortunate enough to have time to make gifts for my friends and family in place of spending a lot this year.  What about the people that don’t have time OR money?  I feel bad enough at the amount of gifts I bought this year is down compared to last year, and I know to some that might sound snooty but the gifts I’m giving are far from top of the line.  Dollar stores and Goodwill made up the bulk of gifts this year, and I’m making the rest of them by hand.  I know it’s rough out there currently, but even with that in mind I almost feel guilty that I didn’t get more for the people I care about. 

And then you have companies saying they suddenly need an extra fifty billion and in exchange for that sum, promise to only use one of their twenty private jets. 

 And then someone actually gives it to them.

Rant: Oh Noes! Gamer Freaks Out On WoW! No WAI!

New expansion’s out.  I guess it’s that time again.  Yet another person has fainted/spazzed/died/thought-he-could-fly after playing a game for a pittance amount of time.

Probably Due to Someone Ninja-ing His Ore

Now, while common sense dictates that when you have millions of gamers playing the same game, let alone all the video games out there, that *one* person is gonna freak out eventually.  Sadly, we’re gonna be pelted with yet another Jack Thomson-like barrage of garbage saying games warp the mind and increase the players violent tendencies.  To anyone that actually believes that crap: Go Die In A Fire.

FIRE.

Seriously, *only* twenty-four hours?  That’s slightly better than the one kid from Asia that ‘wanted to be with his WoW friends’ after twenty hours and jumped off a roof.  (Note:  He forgot his flying mount)  How he couldn’t have just…you know…not left the game and kept playing with them is somewhat puzzling.  Perhaps it was a Tuesday and the servers were down for maintenance?  While we all have been there, writhing with hatred for the evils that delay us from hitting our virtual morphine drip, I doubt we have ever said “Dude, the server is DOWN.  I’m totally sad bro…you know what?  I’mma jump off my freaking building because I’m so very right in the mind” and then hurl ourselves towards a crushing demise.

Stupid “Intellectually challenged” people are still going to be challenged while they play games.  People that like to shoot other people, are still going to feel that way while andafter they play video games.  If you start to feel sick, it’s probably a good time to stretch those atrophied legs of yours and make yourself a bowl of Ramen.

Remember kids:  Ramen Prevents Seizures.